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Me - Goldlock Holmes

  • "We... are waiting, I... am... smoking."
    Sherlock
  • [riding a pony] "Slow and steady wins the race!"
  • [has arrived at the auction and is trying to defuse the motion-sensitive bomb intended for Dr. Hoffmanstahl] Sherlock Holmes: One million pounds! And, by the way, fire. FIRE!
  1. [detects that an assassin is hiding on the ceiling and preparing to kill Simza; he compares taking the man out to preparing an omelet]
  2. First, pillage the nest. Clip wings. Now, blunt his beak. Crack eggs. Scramble, pinch of salt. Touch of pepper. Flip the omelet. Additional seasoning required. Breakfast is served. 
  • "It's so overt, it's covert."
  • [in a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave] Sherlock Holmes: That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations. McMurdo: Oi, we ain't done yet! [He spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops] Sherlock Holmes: [voice-over] This mustn't register on an emotional level... [in slow motion] Sherlock Holmes: First, distract target... [Holmes flicks a handerchief in front of his opponent's face] Sherlock Holmes: Then block his blind jab, counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. [Holmes claps his hands over his opponent's ears] Sherlock Holmes: Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. Block feral left, weaken right jaw, now fracture. [a cross to the jaw fractures the bone] Sherlock Holmes: Break cracked ribs, traumatize solar plexus, dislocate jaw entirely. [Two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge] Sherlock Holmes: Heel kick to diaphragm... [Holmes finishes with a heel kick to his opponent's chest, sending him crashing out of the ring] Sherlock Holmes: In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm haemmorraging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized. [Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then does all of the foregoing in about six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring] 
  • "My mind rebels at stagnation! Give me problems! Give me work!"
  • [as he's fighting one of Blackwood's minions, calls out to Irene Adler] Woman! Shoot him! Now, please! 
  • "I see everything."




GenLawrence - Professor James Moriarty

  • "Are you sure you really wish to play this game?" 
    Moriarty
  • "Your clock is ticking..."
  • "People have an innate desire for conflict. So what you are fighting is not me, but rather mankind. War, on an industrial scale, is inevitable. I'm just supplying the bullets and bandages."






Albert Spark - Dr. James Watson

  • "How many times are you going to kill my dog, Holmes?" 
    Watson
  • "I'm on my honeymoon!"
  • [reading a note from Holmes] Come at once if convenient. [flips the note over to back side] If inconvenient, come all the same. 
  •  [performing CPR] I know you can hear me, you selfish bastard! 







Cherie - Irene Adler

  • "Do be careful with the face, boys. We do have a dinner date tonight." 
    Adler
  • "Don't fill up on bread"








Squirto - Mycroft Holmes

  • [referring to Watson] "You know, he's nothing like as slow witted as you've been leading me to believe, Sherly."
  • Tumblr m2p1unAW241qzxueh
    "Good evening, Mrs Watson. I'm the other Holmes."  
  • "I am starting to understand how a man could come to appreciate the company of a person of your... gender."




Parax - Lord Blackwood

  • "Death... is only the beginning"
  • "My powers and my assets were given to me for one purpose. A magnificent, but simple purpose: to create a new future. A future ruled by us. Tomorrow at noon, we take the first step towards a new chapter in our history. Magic will lead the way. Once the people of England see our newfound power they'll bow down in fear. Across the Atlantic lies a colony that was once ours. It will be again. Their civil war has made them weak. Their government is as corrupt and as ineffective as ours... so we'll take it back. We will remake the world. Create the future."


Gibbsgirl ( Liz ) - Mary Watson

  • "You mean there's *two* of you? How marvelous! Could this evening get any better?" 
    Mary
  • "He would have wanted to come with us"





Katbluedog - Madam Simza

  • "You're right, he did smell." 
    Simza
  • "Their eyes are wrong"








Dentface - Sebastian Moran

Moran, USE

"Out of the way, out of the way. I'm warning ya"

"That's not fair..."      





Bill - Angry German

"Zu viele Füchse für euch Hänsel!" 


Dialogue

Professor Moriaty: Are you sure you want to play this game?

Sherlock Holmes: I'm afraid you'd lose. 



Dr. John Watson: [seeing Holmes's drag outfit] What? Sherlock Holmes: I agree it's not my best disguise. 



[after Holmes throws Mary off the train, Watson turns around and sees his wife gone]

Sherlock Holmes: It had to be done. In my own defense...

[Watson lunges at him and starts throttling him] 

Dr. John Watson: Did you just kill my wife? 

Sherlock Holmes: [muffled, tries to respond] 

Dr. John Watson: DID-YOU-JUST-KILL-MY-NEW-WIFE? 

Sherlock Holmes: [forces Watson's hand away] Of course not! 

Dr. John Watson: How can you say that, when you just threw her off a train? 

Sherlock Holmes: As I said, I timed it perfectly! 

Dr. John Watson: What does that mean? Explain! 

Sherlock Holmes: By the time I explained, we'd both be dead!




Dr. John Watson: [as he watches Sherlock drinking embalming fluid] You're drinking embalming fluid? 

Sherlock Holmes: [exhales] Yes. Care for a drop? 

Dr. John Watson: You do seem... 

Sherlock Holmes: Excited? 

Dr. John Watson: Manic. 

Sherlock Holmes: I am. Dr.

John Watson: Verging on... 

Sherlock Holmes: Ecstatic? 

Dr. John Watson: Psychotic. 

Dr. John Watson: [pause] I should've brought you a sedative.




Professor Moriaty: [as he writes his notes] Fine choice, this place. Do you have the letter?

Irene Adler: It was taken. Professor Moriaty: Taken? That is unfortunate. 

Irene Adler: During the chaos created by your package. Irene Adler: [to the waiter who is serving her tea] Thank you. 

Irene Adler: Perhaps, if you had shared your plans. 

Professor Moriaty: You wish to know my plans now, dear? Do you imagine, Miss Adler, that something would happen to you? Is that why you chose to meet here in a public place? Your favorite restaurant? [Moran taps his glass three times, causing everyone in the restaurant to immediately leave] 

Professor Moriaty: [revealing himself to Irene] I don't blame you. I blame myself. It's been apparent to me for some time that you would succumb to your feelings for him. It isn't the first occasion that Mr. Holmes inconvenienced me in recent months. The question is: What to do about it? That is my problem to solve now. I no longer require your services [sipping his tea while Adler collapse to her death]




Sherlock Holmes: Uh, hmm... Right. Where are the wagons? 

Madam Simza Heron: The wagon is too slow. Can't you ride? 

Dr. John Watson: It's not that he can't ride... How is it you put it, Holmes? 

Sherlock Holmes: They're dangerous at both ends and... crafty in the middle. Why would I want anything with a mind of its own bobbing about between my legs?




Dr. John Watson: How did you know I would find you? 

Sherlock Holmes: You didn't find me. You collapsed a building on me.




Sherlock Holmes: Lie down with me Watson. 

Dr. John Watson: WHY!?

Sherlock Holmes: I do insist

Dr. John Watson: y-! [Holmes pulls him down to the ground]

Dr. John Watson: What are we doing down here!?

Sherlock Holmes: We are waiting, I.. am smoking. 





  • Sherlock Holmes: You've never complained about my methods before.
  • Dr. John Watson: I'm not complaining. 
  • Sherlock Holmes: You're not? What do you call this? 
  • Dr. John Watson: I never complain! How am I complaining? When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Uh, we have a barter system... 
  • Dr. John Watson: When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Our rooms... 
  • Dr. John Watson: The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Our dog... 
  • Dr. John Watson: The dog! 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Gladstone is our dog! 




Irene Adler: I've never woke up in handcuffs before. Sherlock Holmes: I have. Naked.  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  • Dr. John Watson: You've been in this room for two weeks, I insist you have to get out. 
  • Sherlock Holmes: There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all. 
  • Dr. John Watson: So you're free this evening? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Absolutely. 
  • Dr. John Watson: Dinner? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Wonderful. 
  • Dr. John Watson: The Royale? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: My favorite. 
  • Dr. John Watson: Mary's coming. 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Not available. 
  • Dr. John Watson: You're meeting her, Holmes! 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Have you proposed yet? 
  • Dr. John Watson: No, I haven't found the right ring. 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Then it's not official. 
  • Dr. John Watson: It's happening. Whether you like it or not, 8:30, the Royale. Wear a jacket! 
  • Sherlock Holmes: *You* wear a jacket. 




  • Dr. John Watson: [Holmes points his violin bow at Watson] Get that out of my face. 
  • Sherlock Holmes: It's not in your face, it's in my hand. 
  • Dr. John Watson: Get what's in your hand out of my face. 




  • [a chambermaid enters Irene Adler's room and screams when she sees Holmes, handcuffed naked to the bed with a pillow covering his groin] 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. Beneath this pillow, lies the key to my release. 
  • [the Maid screams again and runs out; cut to later in a carriage] 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Of course, she mis-interpreted my meaning entirely. 
  • Constable Clark: Naturally, sir. 




  • Dr. John Watson: What of Mary? 
  • Palm Reader: M for Mary. For marriage. Oh, you will be married! 
  • Dr. John Watson: [nodding his head slowly] Go on. 
  • Palm Reader: [looking intensely at Watson's palm] Oh, I see pattern tablecloth and... Oh, china figurines and... Ugh! Lace doilies! 
  • Sherlock Holmes: [pretending to be deep in thought] Mmm... Doilies! 
  • Dr. John Watson: Lace... doilies? Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds? 
  • Sherlock Holmes: No! 
  • Palm Reader: [continuing her prophecies about Mary] Oh, then she turns fat and, ugh, she has a beard and... 
  • Sherlock Holmes: What of the warts? 
  • Palm Reader: Ah, she's covered in warts! 
  • Dr. John Watson: [interrupting the palm reader] Enough, enough! 
  • Sherlock Holmes: Are they extensive? 
  • Dr. John Watson: Please, enough! 



  • Irene Adler: I'd say you're between jobs. 
  • Sherlock Holmes: And you, between husbands. 
  • Irene Adler: He was boring and he was jealous and he snored. I'm Irene Adler again. 




Sherlock Holmes: First, the world will see you for what you are: a fraud. Then you'll be hanged - properly, this time.  Lord Blackwood: It's a long journey from here to the rope. [Blackwood then attempts to attack Holmes before falling into a twist of chains and being hung to death.]



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